Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Tales from Norwood, II




Lela

All the kids in the neighborhood thought that Lela was a witch. She certainly looked the part with her long faded skirts and oversized, threadbare sweaters. She was a small person, bony and thin, and her face was as withered as an old apple, with wide set eyes that peered out anxiously from deep sockets. She wore her long hair, which was the color of tired whites, pinned up except for once a month when she let it down to wash it. Lela didn't use shampoo: she washed her hair with a bar of Ivory Soap, and in an age of products like Breck and Prell, this seemed extremely odd and old timey. When the weather was warm enough, Lela washed her hair outdoors in a basin set up on a table on her porch, and then let it fly free as she skipped absently up and down Cherry Street, singing softly to herself until it was dry.

Lela lived with her older brother Burt in a faded two story house on the corner of Sargent and Cherry Streets in Norwood, the section of Warwick, RI, where I grew up. Her yard was separated from ours by a border of pale gold iris's which, when you closed your eyes and sniffed them, smelled exactly like root beer. Her house was older than most of the homes in Norwood which were built at the end of WWII, and had sprung up en masse like mushrooms after a summer rain. It had Victorian details; ornate woodwork atop the columns on the back porch, and a gabled roof, and for as long as I could remember, was in need of paint. On Lela's property there was also a dark old musty garage with a dirt floor, and a smaller building that had once been a chicken coop.

On sunny days, Lela and Burt sat outdoors in two old wooden chairs by the side of the garage. They were always bundled in layers of clothing of indeterminate colors, even on hot summer days. Burt sometimes plucked at a banjo, but otherwise they simply sat for hours, facing the sun, with their cats asleep at their feet. Burt died before I entered grade school so I mostly remember Lela living alone. After Burt was gone, Lela wandered the streets alot, talking to her herself, carrying a broom for a walking stick. What am I gonna do? she'd mutter. What am I gonna do? Occasionally she'd wander into our yard, where my Grandmother stood hanging the wash on our clothesline. What am I gonna do? she'd ask her. My Grandmother had no tolerance for Lela and shooed her away as if she was a pesky crow. That Lela is not right in the head, she'd say, disdainfully.

Lela was the only person in the neighborhood who actually stopped The Rag Man, as he floated slowly up and down the streets in an ancient pick up truck, yelling, Rags! Raags! in his wrecked and spooky monotone. She waited for him on the curb, waving her hand in the air and yodeling, Yoo Hoo, Yoo Hoooo! over his hoarse, insistant, Rags, Raags! until he stopped. Lela gave him her bundle of rags in exchange for a few cents, which she would snap into a small leather change purse that she kept in her sweater pocket.

Sometimes Lela stopped me on the street and handed me some coins from her purse. She always asked me to go to the corner market to buy the same two items: a can of Calo Cat Food and a box of chocolate covered graham crackers. Lela had no teeth, and I imagined that the graham crackers were easy to chew. I'd run to the store, purchase the crackers and cat food, then head to her house and knock on her back door. I could see her stooped figure approaching through the sheer curtain as she inched her way down the stairs to let me in. Once inside the back hall I was overwhelmed by the odor of cat urine. And another smell: Noxema. Cat pee, Noxema, and Ivory Soap; these were the smells in Lela's house. Lela took the grocery bag and the change from my hand and thanked me. Then she'd turn and say, What am I gonna do? and walk back up the stairs. I never saw beyond this back hallway, not until my late teens.

I was having a rough winter my first year out of high school. It was the early spring of 1973, and I had started the fall semester at URI, then dropped out. I was too distracted by my relationship with my boyfriend, and getting stoned every day. I was back living with my parents and feeling quite depressed. I took a job working the assembly line at Hasbro Toys in Pawtucket, putting the legs on GI Joe dolls, quit that, then tried waitressing in a bar, and quit that, too. Both jobs were equally depressing. In the meantime, while looking for another job, I took care of my parents' house while they were at work: I cleaned, prepared supper, and hung out the wash. Lela would spot me and walk slowly over to the clothesline, broom/cane in hand.
What am I gonna do? she asked me. I didn't dismiss her the way that my Grandmother had. I didn't know what I was going to do either. I started to invite Lela in for tea. She'd sit with a downturned mouth, looking worriedly around my mother's kitchen. My parents didn't like this. Why are you bothering with Lela? they asked, perturbed. I think that they thought of her like a stray cat or dog, and that once you fed one, you could never get rid of it. She has family, they insisted, A nephew, and he looks in on her and gives her money. But I knew that Lela needed more than this.
I began to take her over a plate of the supper I cooked each evening. She was grateful. The first time that I followed her up the stairs through the door to her kitchen, I was shocked to see how bare the place was. The kitchen was very old fashioned, with wainscoting and high cupboards: there had once been wallpaper but it had long since peeled off, and the trim paint was filthy and chipped. Lela slept in an adjoining room that had once been a sitting room: now there was only a narrow wrought iron bed with yellowed linens, a worn wooden dresser, and a chair. Most curious of all was a flush toilet that sat out in the open in one corner.

I began to visit Lela during the day as well. I got used to the smell. Typically I'd find her lying in bed with her cats. One day when I arrived, Lela was up and rummaging through the top drawer of her dresser. She pulled out a couple of old photos of herself and Burt, and showed them to me. Then Lela told me that she used to have pictures of her parents, but she'd ripped them up and thrown them away. Why did you do that, Lela? I asked her gently. She became agitated and did not answer. I wondered what her childhood had been like, and I tried to picture Lela as a little girl in this house when the paint had been glossy and new.

It was around this time that I began to consider going back to school, to study art therapy, and I got the notion that I could rehabilitate Lela. I walked over to her house manned with paper and paints, determined to to get her to make some art. No, YOU paint, she instructed me. So I sat and painted. One day Lela asked me to paint a picture on the bare cracked wall above her bed. Paint me a Bird of Paradise, she commanded, I want to lie here and look at a Bird of Paradise. The next morning I brought over the encyclopedia, stood on her chair, and referencing the colorful photograph in the book. painted an enormous Bird of Paradise on the wall in gaudy rainbow hues. Lela laid back on her pillow and smiled her toothless smile. Ah, it's beautiful, she sighed.

Soon after this Lela became ill and was taken away in an ambulance. After several days she returned home from the hospital and visiting nurses started to come to her house daily to give her her medication and to bring meals on wheels. I felt relieved that Lela was finally getting this care. I had found a steady job cleaning rooms at a hotel near the airport, and had gotten clean myself. No more smoking pot. I enrolled for the fall semester at RIJC.

Lela died that October, and the house sat empty with a For Sale sign on the front lawn all the following winter. In the spring, a young couple with two small children, a boy and a girl, bought Lela's house and began to renovate the place. I watched from my parents' kitchen window as they carried wheelbarrow loads of plaster down the sidewalk, and nailed up vinyl siding. I wondered what they thought about The Bird of Paradise? Did they smile at it the way Lela had? Or did they hurry to cover it with fresh paint, anxious to erase it along with the smell of cat pee, Noxema and Ivory Soap...

Sunday, February 26, 2012

A Portrait of Tony



Tony at Seventeen, 2012

mixed media on Rives BFK, 22" x 30"






After my experience in the the stone shop, Tony has been on my mind. I have so few photographs of him, and could have sworn that I had given an envelope full of the ones that I do own to my son Eben and his wife. But they said, no, they didn't have them. And when I've searched for them in my albums and boxes and big Rubbermaid bins full of photos, I've had no luck. But one day last week, just before getting ready to leave the house, I felt compelled to look for them once again. I dropped everything and went to the closet in the spare bedroom where I keep all our old photos (this includes my father's massive collection - there are tons...) and like someone acting out a hypnotic command, like a homing pigeon, like an arrow heading for the bull's eye, I mechanically yanked out several of the large bins, took the lid off one, and there they were, the photos I'd not been able to find, including the one at the top of this post, Tony's high school yearbook picture, taken when he was seventeen. I quickly scanned this pile of images and put them in a digital file.

After finishing a commissioned portrait in my studio later that afternoon, after the sitter left, and I was alone in my studio, I felt compelled again - but this time to draw Tony's portrait. I brought up his image on my laptop and enlarged it until he was looking at me, filled my brush with paint and set to work. And while working on it, I cried. Alot.


Something has shifted inside of me this week. Some door in my heart has opened.


This brings to mind one of the last bits of wisdom imparted to me by my grandmother, who lived to be 100.In the final weeks of her life, Gramma took my hand and sandwiched it tightly between both of hers, then looked me in the eyes and pronounced simply, urgently,

"Never hate, Martha. Never hate."

Monday, January 23, 2012

Never Ever










Lisbeth has bounced back once again, amazing woman/child.I took a video of Lisbeth dancing in my studio yesterday. After she left, I viewed it, and as I watched it this song happened to be playing on my CD player. It seemed to fit perfectly, so I went home and made it the soundtrack. I had no idea what the words meant, or at least I thought I didn't know. I did take a few years of French when I was in Jr. High and High School. Maybe it stayed with me more than I realize, because after I made this video I looked up the translation to the song...




Am I ever fragile? Do I really have a choice?
Do I ever gently grumble, maybe? Was I thinking of death?
To eventually stop... being so strong
Can I even cry?
No never, never ever
Look, am I trembling?
No never, I'd rather die
Than let life kill me
No never, ever, never ever...


Julien Bense

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Look for Them...










This little ice sculpture in a window box on Front Street stopped me in my tracks yesterday afternoon. I was taking a break from working in my studio, feeling traumatized and tired from the night before. I saw the hummingbird first...and took my camera out of my bag and snapped a few pictures. When downloading these images this morning, I saw the centaur...




I thought of the woman who checked us in at the ER Tuesday night...


She was wearing an enamel horse pin, and she told me about her business, Healing Horses, and invited me to bring Lisbeth out for a visit sometime soon. She said, "She doesn't have to get on a horse right away or even at all, if she doesn't want to. She can just enjoy being there with the horses - maybe help to feed and brush them. It does folks good just to be around the horses, out in the fresh air." I asked her if she has an all white horse, thinking that Lisbeth would love to see a horse that matches her kitty, Milkweed. She said, "Yes, in fact we do. He's an old Arabian that we rescued. His name is Trooper," and she gave me her card.


Yesterday morning I told Lisbeth's house manager that I would like to start taking Lisbeth to this horse farm.


Thoughts of guardians and angels...


When I open my eyes, when I pay attention, I see that they are all around me...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Guardians














In a sad stroke of synchronicity yesterday, my phone rang while I was working on these pieces in my studio. It was Lisbeth's one-on-one helper calling to tell me that Lisbeth had just had another bad fall during a seizure. I quickly yanked off my painting apron and told them I'd meet them at the emergency room. Evidently Lis had one of her "no warning" grand mal seizures where she goes down like a felled tree. These are the worst - no bending at the knees, no initial crying out, just BOOM. Straight down. She and her helper were in the kitchen about to make some banana bread, when Lis crashed into the refrigerator door, face first.


She's banged up but OK. Breaks my heart what she endures.


After getting Lisbeth back home and comfortable, I headed back to my studio and worked on these paintings even more prayerfully.

Friday, January 13, 2012

A Lisbeth Series



















This is the start of a new series of drawings of and about my daughter Lisbeth. I've wanted to do this series for a very long time, and I finally feel emotionally ready. Ever since I took this photo of Lisbeth in the ER last fall I have felt compelled to draw it. I've also been wanting to try working with acrylics and pastels on primed canvas instead of paper, so this week I bought some raw canvas and tacked it to the new homosote panels lining one wall of my studio, and gessoed it. I drew the image in first with charcoal, then worked into the drawing with acrylics and pastels, back and forth, back and forth. It's a new surface, with new challenges: I'm just getting used to it, and I'm enjoying it so far. I plan to work the hummingbirds into the piece this afternoon, either on this drawing of Lisbeth, or on smaller separate canvases that will circle this piece, like little angels...

Sunday, November 27, 2011

A Girl's Primer







































I have been working on this trio of drawings for 9 months and I'm finally ready to march these ghosts out of my studio. My triptych, A Girl's Primer, will be in a group show at Aucocisco Gallery in Portland for the month of December. I'm thrilled to be invited to show at Aucocisco with four other artists: Michele Caron, Rachael Eastman, Tanya Fletcher, and Judy O'Donnell. I'm just about finished, still doing a bit of fine tuning, and I need to make the hanging mechanisms. They will hang unframed, and I'm planning to string wire to three boards and attach each drawing to its respective board with velcro. They will then simply hang on picture hangers. Theyre not heavy, but they're big, at 4' x 8' each.



Here is my working artist statement which still needs a tweak or two. I don't want to say too much - just a sort of lead in...




My mother’s loss of memory due to the ravages of Alzheimer’s and her recent death prompted me to create this series of drawings, a triptych populated by three major spirits: my mother, my father, and my maternal grandmother. A Girl’s Primer speaks of love, loss, dreams, desire, memory and experience, and the early forces that shaped me.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Tapping In











On Friday, I unloaded my artwork from my car to bring into the house and put in my flat file, which is set up in my new home studio space. In addition to all my portraits, figure studies, and prints, I had the bulky pieces to my Altared Self installation to unload. I had fantasized about burning this piece for some time - it was taking up alot of space, and I'd exhibited it twice altready (here, and here...), so I wasn't even careful taking it from the car, and tossed pieces of it onto a snow bank while I pulled my other work more carefully from the trunk. I was emotionally raw and tired, for it had been a week full of grieving, and in the middle of all this unpacking, I was overcome by tears. I sat on the edge of the snow bank in the warm sun with my Altared Self pieces and sobbed. It seemed as if the sun was embracing me, giving me permission to have a good long cry. I felt better after that, and suddenly wondered what it would look like if I threw some ashes onto my wet face. This is me always - having an experience, and then stepping back and observing it - wanting to make art about it. So I went to the back porch and took the lid off the ash bucket, grabbed a handful of the gritty gray particles, and sprinkled it over my face. I sat back down in the sun and snapped a few self-portraits. Then I gave myself a good facewash with snow, and felt worlds better. Energized, I finished unloading the car.

At lunchtime, out of curiosity, I Googled ashes and ritual and found this fascinating article. I was particularly interested to learn about the Sapindi ritual which takes place on the 13th day after a loved one's passing. I realized that the next day would be the 13th day after my mother's death. Oh, here was the arrow pointing, the permission to burn the Altared Self piece. The piece was about my old relationship with my parents, and I realized that now that they are both gone, I have a new, freer relationship with them, and with myself.

So, on Saturday at noon, I trudged through thigh deep snow, dragging the two big panels, and planted them firmly in the fluffy white stuff, then added a few of the other pieces that were part of the original installation. I dripped a few drops of fire starter on the panels, struck the match, and stood back. It started smoldering here and there before bursting into flames. It looked so beautiful! I was filled with excitement and delight, and starting taking pictures. It was incredibly satisfying to watch this piece morph and disappear, and when it had burned to the snow, I felt lighter, emotionally, and physically.

I've felt at peace since doing this strange ritual. I even dreamt that my mother called me on the phone to tell me that she loved me, something she was unable to do for the past few years, being tongue tied and stripped of memory from the Alzheimer's.

And now I have all this source imagery to work with. The original piece was so packed with information, these bits and pieces can be works on their own. I want to take these photos and crops of photos to my new studio space and start a series of drawings using them somehow...